Interpersonal Giving Guide

INVITATIONS FOR INTERPERSONAL CROSS-CLASS GIVING

We all need systemic changes – turning a system built on extraction and harm into one built for regeneration and care is necessary for all of us. It’s not the role of people with class privilege to try to “save” poor people. There are, however, many meaningful ways to show up in cross-class relationships, including—but certainly not limited to—funding poor and working class-led grassroots organizations, mutual aid networks, and direct giving to individuals. 

Many immigrant communities, communities of color, and working-class communities have long, deep traditions of resource sharing. Below are a few suggestions for people with class privilege doing interpersonal giving built upon the wisdom of those cultural norms. Holding these practices central may help to undermine class-privileged patterns and power dynamics, creating a more liberatory experience for all involved. 

Things to keep in mind in the offering:

  • Be vulnerable. Poor and working-class people often have to share an enormous amount of their life story and personal information in an attempt to gain access to services. Flip this dynamic by offering your own vulnerability. This does not mean sharing your whole money story, but a little bit about your own story and finances can increase mutuality. 
  • Be heart-led. Tap into why you want to give/share/donate/redistribute. Find that place in your heart and make an offer from there. 
  • Be proactive. When appropriate, put people in a position to say yes rather than having to ask. 
  • Be clear. Get as specific as possible and set clear boundaries early on. There is a time and place for open-ended offers (“If you ever need something, let me know”), but only if it’s genuinely what the person with fewer resources is most likely to respond well to.
  • Be systemic. Help make the situation less personal by zooming out to the larger context we live within. Society constantly reinforces poverty as individual deficit and wealth as individual achievement; disrupt that narrative directly with your behaviors.

Example 1: 

I am making XX amount right now at my job, which is more than I need to live off of. Having more than I need doesn’t feel right when so many people are suffering. I’m giving the extra to grassroots orgs and people I’m in community with. I know you’ve been struggling right now, and I would love to chip in YY amount this month toward your expenses. I’m wondering if that could feel good for you and between us. I care so much about you and I know it’s not right that you get paid so much less than me. How would you feel about me getting to chip in? To be clear, it would just be for this month.

Example 2: 

I wanted to check in with you about possibly sharing some money with you. I received an inheritance years ago and don’t believe that it’s money that I earned, and I am committed to redistributing it to grassroots orgs and people who need it now. I know you’ve been dealing with a lot these last couple of months. I really care about you and you deserve to have some breathing room and to be able to meet your basic needs. I’m wondering if you’d be open to talking with me about sharing some of this money with you? I was thinking I could offer X amount this month (consider offering a larger amount up front if you can/if someone has a backlog of bills) and then XX amount each month for the next 8 months, or if getting it all at once is better, I’d be so happy to do it that way. If that’s something you’re interested in, then could we talk about what you and I would need for that to feel ok for both of us? Our relationship is really important to me, and I know money can be really hard to talk about and brings up a lot. I’m here for those conversations, and any answer is totally fine. 

Example 3:

I know that medical bills are really stressing you out right now. I wish healthcare was covered as a basic human right. I’m glad you got seen, even though it’s so expensive. I have really good health insurance because my parents have money and pay for it so my health care costs are always really low. Would you consider letting me just cover this bill? It would feel really good to me to show you this type of care that everyone should be receiving.  

Things to keep in mind in receiving a response: 

  • Be flexible. Maybe what you offered was helpful yesterday, but today there’s a new need. Be willing to let go of what you thought should happen for what is actually wanted. For example, you offered to help with rent, but childcare turns out to be the more pressing need, so you pivot accordingly.
  • Be sustainable. If you are giving amounts that put you in a precarious financial situation or you notice you are harboring resentment, check in with yourself and/or trusted peers to see if there are specific boundaries you need to establish or renegotiate. 
  • Be proportional. When people with class privilege give money, they sometimes make it a big deal and have big feelings. It does not have to be a big deal—try not to get weird about it! How would you act if interpersonal giving was totally normalized, and can you act as though that is the case already? Acting from this place helps you take up a proportional amount of space. 
  • Be open to repair. We all have shit about money. There is a risk that something you offer will not land well, and there is also risk in not offering. Weigh the risks and be thoughtful of the dynamics within each relationship. If something doesn’t go well, tend to the impact of harm regardless of intention. Hold compassion for the fact that many of us, on all ends of the economic pyramid, have deep internalized shame because of the ways that money and worth get intertwined. 

Be accountable. If you said you were gonna do a thing, do the thing. Swiftly. Your “Yes!” should be grounded and clear. If it’s helpful to have a buddy, ask someone with class privilege to be your “accountabila-buddy”.